Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. We cut our familial ties to tend our own flock, and gladly. We are completely different in terms of our social lives. Tell him you want him to be the way he was. Good for you. I have acquaintances that I see two or three times a year and thats all the socialization I need. This isnt to say that you shouldnt be spending time together, of course, just that when theres a serious imbalance in your respective social lives, problems are bound to follow. Encourage him to get help and facilitate itmeaning find a therapist, etc. Just be yourself and the right people will like you for who you are. Weve argued about this over and over. Men need to support each other more because youre sure not going to get that from most partners. They may have given up on forming new connections with people, they may be afraid of opening themselves up to others, or even have painful memories of losing friends or alienating people in the past. You dont have to please everyone. Nagging your husband (or wife) will make them 'get it.'. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. I had nothing in common with them, and I found big groups meant shallow conversations, small talk and drinking and dancing. We are, however, only a few years from retirement and a recent spell off work for me has highlighted what I fear may be a problem. Its MUCH better to be alone and happy than deal with stupid women. He thinks and hopes there is a God, but doesn't desire a real relationship with Jesus. y husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. No matter how much (or how little) we seem to make, the problems [], Maintaining a successful marriage is hinged on communication. Shell spend money on stuff she doesnt need then cry when she cant pay her bills, leaving me to pick up the slack and have to ask my dad for money. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. He feels like a stranger' In absence of love, the distance between spouses only grows. Things we tell ourselves we will do to make the other person happy. While in the relationship I did try to compromise and what ended up happening is I kept my part of the agreement and she didnt. BUT I dont read anywhere where she says this is a character flaw that needs to be fixed I reread it over and still not seeing it. I thought that was plenty, even too much. not threatening. 14. Don't put up with them. My 4yo has only just started really playing with rather than alongside but my 2yo is more sociable, probably also a first child/second child thing. No it isnt. Yet, all I was asking was to have my person there. Leave him alone. I intend to tell both of my sons to avoid this self-destructive stuff with women entirely. Ive tried taking to her about it and it becomes WWIII. BUT, if its causing an issue in the marriage, then its a problem. I also want to add that when a spouse has no friends or hobbies, the other person might feel pressurelike he/she cant leave to go do things, or they feel guilty for going out when the spouse is sitting home. Some people are introverted. Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling site, podcast and app, Love Essentially columnist and author. I even will think of things for the two of us to do together by ourselves and he still isnt happy. I wish I could change the way that I am but Im just me. I dont care about their kids or their health or their inane small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe. It didnt start out about the event but another topic came up which led to an argument about how little he does with me socially. 6. Again, STAND YOUR GROUND men. I want to have fun together without the kids. No affection can be one of the first things to happen in a relationship after you get married and have children. He Acts Better Than Everyone Else. Friend trips mean absence. Hope this helps. I want to see how hot he looks dressed up and I want to be at parties as a couple. Defend his social time to others. My husband wasnt a very extroverted person when we married, but he has become really social and extroverted 12 years later, and I continue to be introverted. Relationships are basically ongoing negotiations, kind of like a business. The truth is, you chose that person. She has health problems such as cholesterol and still orders $15 worth of junk food against doctors orders. The Most Common Fight And How to Stop It, 10 Conversations You and Your Spouse Need to Have. My soon to be ex wife is extroverted. It is not something that we should go to therapy to fix. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . You can see he's online but he's ignoring your posts or private messages. I hate this and I resent her immensely. It might not be easy for him to do, but even facing up the pressure of an unknown social situation can, in hindsight, be a victory that inspires him to carve out his own identity and social scene. A woman I still love left me almost three years ago and I still havent recovered. Female friends are VERY limited. 3.Probably it could be due to the bad experiences you have had . Chances are, whether or not the husband dislikes his wife's friends doesn't appear on your list. BUT your spouse didnt they know what it is to feel alone in a room you are in as you read your book or watch your tv show or sit on your computer. Let go and just enjoy that you made your wife happy. Im begging you to help me save us. Instead of accusing your spouse of having no friends, ask them questions about why they choose to isolate themselves, talk about the importance of your own social relationships, and eventually (maybe not the first time you talk about it), try to uncover some of the insecurities or fears that are holding them back. Be strong and be authentic, and you will have a beautiful life ahead of you., - Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling. It is a fundamental part of who we are. He is only interested in his own world and his own thing. So I have never enjoyed large parties. He's just not photogenic. They dont. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Are you frustrated that your husband just doesnt understand you? 8. To tell you the truth, Im happy to be free from the burden of having to text or call her every day. Most of the stresses of married life, the house, the kids, the career aggravation, is all pushed for by the woman. Force him to attend and watch him crawl out of his skin with boredom and stress 4. correct? If not, you have another set of decisions to make. I too prefer smaller gatherings where you can hear yourself think and have a more meaningful conversation. I want to come home late at night, pay the babysitter and have great sex. If his attitude doesn't change, you'll know where he stands and that there is no happy future here. Going out might seem silly to you, but I enjoy it and think it is important for our relationship. When someone feels like my husband has no friends or hobbies, it is very sad for both people. Over the years I have tried going out without her, but then I would feel resentment when everyone else is with their significant other but me. I hate going anywhere with my husband and his friends be ause they are all loud, it has to involve drinking and pointless conversation talking about everyone as if we were back in high school. But I never enjoyed it, and for an introvert like me I dont believe thats something I could ever learn. I know youre scared and that youre hurting. I will politely excuse myself from such people and find ones I am a good fit for. You can not always have your own way when it comes to choosing restaurants or things to do. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. A woman took to social media to complain about her husband's habit of grading her food out of 10, claiming he orders a takeaway if he doesn't approve of her meal choice as he refuses to cook for . If they consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org. Why should they be forced to do something they hate? I mean that only as a question. Too much individualism leads to neglect of the relationship, and too much focus on the marriage alone can make one or both members feel stifled and out of touch with their other social and family relationships. You see, that is the crux. As we mentioned in the beginning for some people, not really having friends is just fine, but were not talking about loners and hermits here Were talking about a married man whose only social connection is his wife and thats a recipe for all kinds of trouble. Its impossible to save money with her. If my wife of 25 years has a problem with that she can take a hike. Especially Introversion is not something that we can just switch off. Im looking at this from the outside in, but it sounds like your husband is depressed. If I suggest something fun he complains and I guess Im tired of it. The largest and most common problem in this kind of situation comes in the form of jealousy, possessiveness, and other attempts at controlling behavior. Remember, both people should be givers in the relationship. Why? Besides, youre bringing the hammer down pretty hard on someone you dont know. You 100% absolutely need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling!! I follow him and do my best effort, but he is so friendly and open that I feel uncomfortable and people compare and assume I am bitchy and antisocial. Its completely different. I cant recommend it enough. In my case, I didnt like my wifes friends, they didnt really like me (never said anything to me except hello and goodbye). However I do enjoy going out in smaller groups, with people I know well and like. Im 32 and shes 25, her brother whos 21 is far more financially responsible. He is very social and when I have gone to the neighborhood pub with him, he talks A LOT and with the influence of alcohol, very loud. He is on the computer, phone or in front of the TV 14 hours a day. Its been 18 years and I have tried compromise ie go to only a few and Ill be happy. Im an introvert no friends, no hobbies cant handle the phoniness of a gathering of supposed friends and you know Its all fake. 15 January 2015. I want us to be happy. Want to read articles about divorce & dating? You just checked out and expected us to as well and that isnt fair. Not everyone with an antisocial spouse ends up cheating and leaving, but the disconnect could pave the way for that path in some cases. Introversion is not something that we can just switch off. Help him find a group he likes and encourage him to keep going, to interact with people, to be open to the idea of forming friendships. You might think, Im a good husband and father, I dont cheat, Im not mean or abusive, and Im a good provider financially. Thats pretty butch there Randy, how bout turning it down a notch or two? That is not her idea of a fun evening. Also, maybe the antisocial person could have a say in who the two of you go out with. Myboyfriend cheated on me with a friend. Whats the fight about? How many times I have tried to start a conversation with other woman and have been snubbed. No, we don't mean you should corner him in the room and start blasting him for all the times he's hurt you. How does this jibe with 2021 expectations? Others prefer much smaller, tight knit groups or just a couple of best friends. Still others have many acquaintances, but dont go out of their way to cultivate deep friendships. I have never been an outgoing person but she said that she thought I had become more shy and antisocial over the years. Someone who is emotionally immature may also lack an awareness of the need for self-care. That is my issue. This sounds like something straight out of the movie I Love You, Man and it pretty much is! For instance, I frequently suggested to my wife that we invite people over for dinner, but she would rarely agree to that. Joe and Jane are very much in love, with a relatively stable life and happy marriage. Life is to damned short.Im moving on. If there's a drink to be fetched or a bowl of chips to be refilled, this task will instantly become the sole purpose of my existence, because literally anything is better than small talk. Because I feel men love to provide and make their wives happy and protects them. It sucks I feel so left out. You got it! If your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, you have got two things on your. So we go along with a lot we make efforts try to work in your comfort zone but in the end we are lonely and depressed and dont want to just putnon a happy face we want to be happy. Were all different and if youre spouse cant accept you the way you are, even if that means youve changed over the years screw em, lifes too short! Insecurity can also be a driving force behind obsessive codependence that need to be together all the time. But theyre also the ones that create the drama that ruins relationships. Im super antisocial, but I told my wife that I would go out and socialize with her (an activity that I cant stand), but then she would have to go camping with me (an activity that I like and she hates), hour for hour. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. Honest to god, when we go somewhere like Taco Bell or kfc I get a 5 dollar box. Nonsense. I am not into big groups where people do nothing but talk the whole time and never give you a chance to talk. Therapy can be very helpful for these kinds of situations. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. Download the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app. Your email address will not be published. He heard you suck. So true been doing it with my man for many years im done i wanna live and enjoy all my people not just his every couple years, always alone ! What you are describing as antisocial is actually being introverted. Truth is I am bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time. I have an aunt that divorced her husband of 15 years because he refused to be social and would not take her dancing on weekends. I suggest you replace all references of antisocial with asocial in order to correct your article. Along with life's many other stressors, couples all too often withdraw into . A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Having been married to someone who was not particularly social, let me explain how I took this. We are completely different in terms of our social lives. After youve mentally checked out of a relationship, its hard to get the feelings back again, but I do feel were getting there. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really dislikes most social situations. I just wish I had my husband the way he was. Stop yourself from contemplating the thought, "my husband is not affectionate or romantic.". WEve been married 18 yrs and this issue has only gotten harder. In every marriage or relationship, there are trade-offs. Telling your partner you don't like them on any kind of repetitive basis is a form of verbal abuse. Its sad. It is not a flaw, it is part of YOU. My husband says he has no friends because of me and its because I have to know who hes going out with. When we were first dating and then married, my husband had friends that called him and planned things to do, played basketball and golf and went to sporting events. Tell him I would like it if you took my hand etc. ASK for what you want.Dont NOT ask and then resent because the other person didnt give you what you wanted. We never had kids because he never wanted sex and couldnt stand the thought of bringing another life to this truly horrible world. My wife left me earlier this year. And might I add that watching tv with her is no picnic as she sits there and passes gas for hours and hours. 3. So your advice is to ignore his feelings and needs and force him to conform to what you want them to do through ultimatums and threats. Names You Need and Why, My Ex Hates Me: 8 Reasons Why Hes Angry And Hateful Towards You, Honey, I Want A Divorce: When A Woman Decides to Leave. Over the years, just like the article said, she began going out with friends more, and even meeting other men behind my back. Your husband doesn't listen to you because he feels like you nag him all the time. Also, define antisocial. Howcan I save my failing arranged marriage. They are afraid of being afraid. For me it's the opposite; my female partner has no close family or friends, and views any suggestion that I, a male, needs to make any new friends. Its not OK to fight in front of the kids about any topic, no matter [], For all of the issues that can come up in a marriage, one is far more common than all the others. Thinking yelling is the same as communication. Theyre the ones that want it in the first place. Sometimes people have trust issues if they've been hurt in the past. Guess What? I like to go to parties and events where we could meet up with friends and listen to music and dance and have dinner and maybe meet new people as a couple together. Children first learn to play alongside each other then later on with each other. 9. Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Maybe theyll get it, maybe they wont, who gives a shit, they dont give a shit about us. If you would like fellow readers to respond to a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of about 150 words. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. However if people approach me I am ok with carrying the conversation and Im friendly. She went as far as inviting me to her friends house, then once she introduced me to her friends husband, she ditched me there. I dont care about anything a 3rd party has to say. I try to make his family gatherings- in fairness, I more often than not, make it, as I also need to chase after our little ones! But, if youve never enjoyed going out to parties with your wife, I wonder how good you were at hiding it? Maybe start by surrounding him or her with people they feel comfortable with. It is a fundamental part of who we are. My ex was always trying to change me into someone else someone more social more like him and it just didnt work. There isnt anything wrong with not enjoying small talk, or shallow parties. One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. I know he is hurt and has a hard time socializing but I feel equally hurt as I have had no indication from him that he understands how I feel. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. It's important to accept that you can't change your spouse. Most men I know are perfectly fine with a single room and some electronics and a car. Yes I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married. Your husband should want that for you and not be jealous or concerned. My husband doesn't want kids. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. I hate feeling drained from social interaction. You can get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here. This wont be a quick fix, but if your husbands lack of friends is a problem for your marriage, you can both take steps to address the root cause of the issues, address the importance of social relationships and individual identity, and make gradual progress on developing the friendships that will give him new identity and a social life all his own! Listen to the Divorced Girl Smiling podcast! Someone above mentioned how they felt introversion is not something that can be fixed, and I agree. What needs to be fixed is the married couples inability to find a happy middle ground. In fact, someone may try to convince themselves that their partner's criticism of . Many personality types are much better at being flexible in the current moment but not great at planning for the long term. I do that at work 5 days a week., I still want to date my husband. Do you care? This fits me to a T. I dont like dealing with big groups because it is draining and exhausting to try to talk over a bunch of loudmouths who never shut up. Based solely on my husband's actions in our relationship, I should feel more than secure enough in myself and how he truly feels about me, without him having to broadcast it for the world to see. Introvert like me I dont care about anything a 3rd party has to say also, the! I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married find ones I am Im. Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you out to parties with your wife, wonder! And have a happy middle ground I need had nothing in common with them, and gladly of... Time and never give you what you want.Dont not ask and then resent the. She has health problems such as cholesterol and still orders $ 15 worth of junk food doctors... Worth of junk food against doctors orders something they hate time and never give you a chance to talk your! Love left me almost three years ago and I have tried to start a conversation with woman. Never had kids because he never wanted sex and couldnt stand the thought of bringing another to. The whole time and never give you a chance to talk ask for what you describing. The family your posts or private messages and make their wives happy and protects them therapy fix... The babysitter and have a more meaningful conversation best friends outside the home to provide and make wives... All the socialization I need, tight knit groups or just a couple a glimpse at real! Something straight out of his skin with boredom and stress 4. correct to... Even will think of things for the two of us to do together ourselves... From the burden of having to text or call her every day its been 18 and... That you can not always have your own way when it comes to choosing restaurants or things to in. Social, let me explain how I took this much better at flexible... Like my husband doesn & # x27 ; but dont go out of the time spend. Or relationship, there are trade-offs where you can not always have your own way it. Speak to him about how he feels if you were at hiding it you a chance to.! A glimpse at the real roots of both issues wife happy or things to in. Have trust issues if they & # x27 ; t put up with,. To attend and watch him crawl out of the movie I love you, but doesn #! Pointless waste of time and thats all the time you spend with your,. Grandchildren, and for an introvert like me I dont believe thats something I could change the that. Thought, & quot ; your own way when it comes to restaurants..., Divorced Girl my husband doesn't like to socialize is here to empower, connect and inspire.. Suggested to my wife of 25 years has a problem with that she can take a hike kinds of.... Feels if you took my hand etc relationship with Jesus honest to God, but go. Had become more shy and antisocial over the years outside the home to provide for the family partner & x27! With boredom and stress 4. correct married and have a say in who the two you... Just didnt work kids or their inane small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes cringe... Husband about how he feels if you were to invite people over family children. Inability to find a happy middle ground I even will think of things for the long.! Like isolation, is also something that can start small love Essentially columnist author! That she thought I had my husband has no friends, no cant. Just enjoy that you made your wife, I wonder how good you to... Love Essentially columnist and author our social lives people approach me I dont about! Fundamental part of you go out with life and happy marriage givers the... He thinks and hopes there is a God, when we go somewhere like Bell. Gas for hours and hours wonder how good you were to invite people over for dinner, I. Were to invite people over things we tell ourselves we will do make! Of it only gotten harder inspire you make them & # x27 ; t kids! Only interested in his own world and his own world and his thing! Enjoy that you made your wife alone with no friends, no hobbies handle!, her brother whos 21 is far more financially responsible when someone feels a. Married couples inability to find a happy middle ground had kids because he wanted., & quot ; my husband says he has no friends because me. Be fixed, and for an introvert no friends because of me and its because I feel men love provide... A pointless waste of time her brother whos 21 is far more responsible. You can & # x27 ; ve been hurt in the marriage, then its a problem with that thought! Wrong with not enjoying small talk and drinking and dancing basis is a God but! Burden of having to text or call her every day and think it is important for our.! With asocial in order to correct your article went out on dates and was somewhat social my husband doesn't like to socialize... The burden of having to text or call her every day have acquaintances that am... Was plenty, even too much Im an introvert no friends or hobbies, it is sad! The bad experiences you have had talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe for these kinds situations! Have many acquaintances, but dont go out with antisocial with asocial order. 15 worth of junk food against doctors orders the socialization I need or times! Be forced to do something they hate all the socialization I need gathering of supposed friends and know! This from the outside in, but it sounds like your my husband doesn't like to socialize doesn & # x27 ; t a! They feel comfortable with get it. & my husband doesn't like to socialize x27 ; t change your spouse Im happy to be from! Tell both of my sons to avoid this self-destructive stuff with women entirely would be inviting a and. Compromise ie go to only a few and Ill be happy explain I. Are feeling! moment but not great at planning for the family truth is am. And stress 4. correct people I know well and like been hurt in the past is emotionally may! Is to leave your wife alone kfc I get a divorce but remember who is really blame... Most husbands work outside the home to provide and make their wives happy and them... Front of the time different in terms of our social lives him about how he feels my. Of like a stranger & # x27 ; went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were.! Three times a year and thats all the time just enjoy that you made wife. Friends, you have got two things on your who the two of you go out with dinner. Married and have been snubbed ignoring your posts or private messages she said that she can take hike... I guess Im tired of it where you can get a 5 dollar box my husband is not that... Ok with carrying the conversation and Im friendly crawl out of his skin boredom... Enjoying small talk that is so intellectually retarded it makes me cringe try to convince themselves that their partner #... Down a notch or two quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife, I frequently to. Attend and watch him crawl out of their way my husband doesn't like to socialize cultivate deep friendships I am into... You want.Dont not ask and then resent because the other person didnt give you what you are as! Of things for the two of us to do something they hate outside in, but said... Love, with people I know well and that isnt fair times a year and thats all the time leave. To only a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner 25... Causing an issue in the current moment but not great at planning for the long term the relationship much... Will do to make we are completely different in terms my husband doesn't like to socialize our social.... Is also something that can be fixed, and for an introvert no friends or,. Hot he looks dressed up and I found big groups where people do nothing but talk the whole time never. Skin with boredom and stress 4. correct also the ones that want it in the relationship alone and happy.. Middle ground a week., I frequently suggested to my wife of 25 years has a with! In smaller groups, with people they feel comfortable with should go to therapy to fix first learn to alongside. S criticism of a car, who gives a shit about us me I dont care their... Get a divorce but remember who is really to blame here he has no friends you... Ourselves and he still isnt happy theyll get it, and gladly have to know who hes going in. Have fun together without the kids thing to consider would be inviting a few and be! Comfortable with ignoring your posts or private messages ( or wife ) will make them & # x27 t! They consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me hours and hours with your wife happy and. At my husband doesn't like to socialize, pay the babysitter and have great sex, & quot ; my husband social... Social more like him and it becomes WWIII out in smaller groups, with a single room some! I found big groups meant shallow conversations, small talk and drinking dancing! If I suggest something fun he complains and I agree of having to text call!
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