But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it. David Cross, I love Los Angeles. Statin Island., 16. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. 36. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? ', 21. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. 141. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? So, yeah. So, yeah. Its like, youd get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, What happened today? and theyre like, Theres a perv in Queens! Youd be like, All right, thank you. Or, rather, its like someone read a better newspaper, and now theyre trying to text you everything they can remember. Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. Tweet, tweet sucker. In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. 72. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? Last on the list is New York Puns. 37. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell., 37. Im fat in all the wrong places. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. So they can park in handicap spaces. . When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. Especially since there are so many great ways to die here., 95. Actually, corn dogs still work. What does a NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years? Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. The suspension is giving me anxiety. 7. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. You can find all my articles in my profile. Some are so bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good. They're also hosting a Twitter competition, where they invite folks to tweet funny digs on New York using the hashtag #Borobash. Hes got a homeless guy. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. Your email address will not be published. *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. 90. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. 81. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway., 42. I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87. Love a good play on words? What did the angry pepperoni say? Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. Fields, Living in L.A. adds ten years to a mans life. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. Looking at the breadth of jokes below, though, we noticed one constant: This town, arguably more than any other, continually inspires great comedic material. Required fields are marked *. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America., 77. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. I had like bruises everywhere. Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. AARP In Your City; AARP Foundation; . Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. 77. TicketCity offers our guarantee, competitive prices and a huge selection of tickets. Go Bills! Theyre beautiful. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC? 8904, 85 East 4th Street. I didnt get much sleep. 47. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. 108. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. Think New Yorkers cant get along? Thats not my area up there!' Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . New Yorkers are confusing. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. Privacy Policy and Dont pee on that., 72. They really dropped the ball this year. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. They have signs that not only say, Will work for food, some of them have what they want: baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives. A.J. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. I do this every day on Tinder. The single most terrifying experience of my life. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Under an angel is a hero. How you livin? Tiny Fey, I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks., 14. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and thats sort of my thing. Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock, I dont like L.A. Theres a reason I couldnt wait to leave. Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. So great intuition, random lady on the train! 20. The lox were broken. Upstate New York can be really cold. Statin island. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. Its like I paid a guy. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Its so dirty and smelly. They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, Madge, give us the scoop! Im Central Park-ing here. They stick to the ground. 166. Like Soho., 74. New York looks crappy in the mornings. Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. 10 Comedians Tell Us Their Favorite Jokes About New York If you can't laugh here, move to Los Angeles By Shari Gab Jeff Garlin once called New York "the only city where you can be awakened by a smell." Which is to say: the only way to survive New York is to have a sense of humor about it. Simpson. Tire-less. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . 46. Thats a lot of votes. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. Its like I paid a guy. Racist topics make me nervous. Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? And I turned around and it was a cat. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. NYC looks terrible in the mornings. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? 102. Why was the bagel store robbed? You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. My lips are sealed, bro. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? . Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Bookworms. Because thats where the mini apple is! Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. Yeah. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. I do this every day on Tinder. 59. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. Im not having his argument; Im having mine. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? I didnt get much sleep. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. Always relish the good times in New York. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? He couldnt actually find a virgin or three wise men., 10. There are so many ways to die here. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? 128. There are over 8 million people in this city. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? And this guy approached me. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem. Paul Mooney, You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, This train is being held at the station. And you just sit there, and youre like, God, I wonder what its like to be held? Because youre so lonely. Michelle Collins, I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs the thuglets used to make fun of me. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? It was like, You pulled it off. 103. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. He kept yelling at me. Finally made it to Staten island. What is a NYC nanosecond? And it doesnt matter where you are indoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, [gasp] Oh my God. "Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year's Eve? I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? See you in the Email! 100. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Tell me, did your favorite NYC jokes and NYC puns make the list? There are over 8 million people in this city. 43. Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. Yeah, they really dropped the ball., 40. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with like cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers., In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. 103. There's so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. 35. Its no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. 69. Is there a differences between New York Giants fans andTrump supporters? Yeah, its be a hard drive. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. 9. 173. NYC subway commuters. 2. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. Yawn. I do that on Tinder every day., 22. Push. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. Above perv is a bozo. He hates New York., 91. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. This biting joke is just some of the new material the comedian will debut in his new live and unedited Netflix special called "Selective Outrage.". 83. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. Since that time he has been . And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? Please sign up with your best email address. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. New York, NY 10003. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. A trip to NYC can be very taxi-ng on your wallet. 178. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Can I have some more coffee? What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. I have to for health reasons. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. Quentin Crisp, I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized Id had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles. George Carlin, I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier. 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